Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Can't Hurt to Dream
I wish someone would engineer some kind of naturally salty or cheesy fruit. I'm trying to eat healthier and less-processed food, and people keep suggesting fruit because it's so sweet and delicious all by itself, but I gotta tell you: all I really want right now is some FRIES.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Just Thinking
When compromise feels so much like surrender
how do people ever decide to stay together?
Edit: Maybe you grow to realize that you no longer care to win.
how do people ever decide to stay together?
Edit: Maybe you grow to realize that you no longer care to win.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Please Read
Yesterday, I did something totally awesome. I finished writing something! And then--get this--I SHOWED it to people! Which was really nervewracking but also a huge step for me. And now it's time for the next step: showing it to more people. Please read this, and please please please leave a comment or e-mail me or call me or something and tell me what you think, even if it's just that you liked or didn't like it and especially if it's advice. You can't even imagine how supportive and encouraging any reaction at all is at this point. Thank you!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Something to Share
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
To Resume
It's been a long time since I've posted here, but that isn't because I haven't been writing. I HAVE been writing, but the most salient things that have been taking up my mental space and time are not things I want to post on the internet. I feel that this is a place for the sort of things you would tell an acquaintance who asked how you are. Just like you wouldn't tell a stranger all about your terrible morning; you'd say to the person who greets you at Bloomingdale's "I'm good thanks, how are you?" (NOT "I'm well," because "well" is an adverb--this drives me crazy). Or perhaps you'd say something a little more creative or charming, but the point is you wouldn't get too personal because that would just be weird. And that is how I feel about this medium--it is not the place for anything personal. Even though I suspect that the only people who read this are people I am close with and personal with in real life, I do not feel that this is the place for anything with much weight or depth.
Of course things have been happening in my life, and in fact I've been busier than usual lately with work and moving. Those may not be the most thrilling subjects in the world but they've been new and interesting to me, and everyone can relate to them, and most importantly I'm worried that I'll lose the motivation to do this if I put it off much longer. So, in the interest of giving myself something to work on that's not work (my first school-less September has just begun and apparently I already miss homework!) I'm going to insist on posting SOMEthing here about my experiences every day, or most days. I think I'm going to have to propel that along by focusing on things I'm doing, which right now is mostly work, but it's actually very interesting and I often end a day with a few really funny stories to tell later. The trick will be making them funny in print--but whether or not I'm successful at that, the point is it's a good exercise and it's something to do for me, and not because I have to.
Of course things have been happening in my life, and in fact I've been busier than usual lately with work and moving. Those may not be the most thrilling subjects in the world but they've been new and interesting to me, and everyone can relate to them, and most importantly I'm worried that I'll lose the motivation to do this if I put it off much longer. So, in the interest of giving myself something to work on that's not work (my first school-less September has just begun and apparently I already miss homework!) I'm going to insist on posting SOMEthing here about my experiences every day, or most days. I think I'm going to have to propel that along by focusing on things I'm doing, which right now is mostly work, but it's actually very interesting and I often end a day with a few really funny stories to tell later. The trick will be making them funny in print--but whether or not I'm successful at that, the point is it's a good exercise and it's something to do for me, and not because I have to.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Triumph!
I learned a B Major chord on guitar tonight! This is definitely a small thing as far as highlights of a day usually go, but it's hugely significant for me. Because:
-it's a bar chord, and those are hard for someone with violin-trained fingers. I really thought for a long time that I might never be able to play them. And now I can play B, and I can switch to and from it in the context of other chords!
-it means I can play a LOT more things.
-it means there's hope that I will be able to play even more things.
-it's progress! BIG progress, and that's the kind of encouragement I really need right now.
Most of all, this B chord was basically a triumph of perseverance, which is just a fantastically motivating and self-rewarding feeling all at once. Onward and upward!
-it's a bar chord, and those are hard for someone with violin-trained fingers. I really thought for a long time that I might never be able to play them. And now I can play B, and I can switch to and from it in the context of other chords!
-it means I can play a LOT more things.
-it means there's hope that I will be able to play even more things.
-it's progress! BIG progress, and that's the kind of encouragement I really need right now.
Most of all, this B chord was basically a triumph of perseverance, which is just a fantastically motivating and self-rewarding feeling all at once. Onward and upward!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Persistent Thoughts
I’m driving myself crazy. You know when something gets in your head and you can’t get it out, but it’s not just annoying like a song because you really want to just fix it, but you’re STUCK, you CAN’T, and it’s just so incredibly frustrating that you can’t let it go?
I’ve decided to just refuse to talk about it. I know I can’t refuse to think about it—that never works for people like me—but usually when something bugs me I use constant, subject-exhausting discussion as an outlet to vent it, and I suspect that this only makes it worse. So this time I’m going to try something different.
It’s a lot like dealing with really difficult customers: you simply refuse to engage in their crap. You don’t allow yourself to respond to any of their passive-aggressive or straight-up rude comments, you acknowledge only what is absolutely necessary, and you get the job done matter-of-factly and get them out of there. I’ve become pretty good at this since I started working 80-hour customer service weeks, so hopefully I’ll be able to direct that skill towards managing the more difficult areas of my own consciousness.
I’ve decided to just refuse to talk about it. I know I can’t refuse to think about it—that never works for people like me—but usually when something bugs me I use constant, subject-exhausting discussion as an outlet to vent it, and I suspect that this only makes it worse. So this time I’m going to try something different.
It’s a lot like dealing with really difficult customers: you simply refuse to engage in their crap. You don’t allow yourself to respond to any of their passive-aggressive or straight-up rude comments, you acknowledge only what is absolutely necessary, and you get the job done matter-of-factly and get them out of there. I’ve become pretty good at this since I started working 80-hour customer service weeks, so hopefully I’ll be able to direct that skill towards managing the more difficult areas of my own consciousness.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Burn Right Up
You know the feeling, that thrillingly thrilled happy feeling. That feeling when everything is just going great and you're on top of the world. The feeling that (at least for me) often seems to follows a sugar rush or a hilarious moment or an impromptu dance party. You know the feeling I'm talking about. I love that feeling. It's fantastic. I seek it out. And it scares me a little bit.
There's an edge to it, a little bit of a crazy edge like you might just go off the deep end and never come back. Maybe I'm a little too paranoid, a little over-sensitive, or a little melodramatic, but sometimes I have this sense that that feeling is bound to be followed by something so awfully opposite. Like you're going to spin and spin and spin out of control.
That happy feeling comes to me in a wave, good things and good emotions building and building until it breaks and washes all over me and I just ride it. But it's a thrilled and not a content happiness, and that's where the edge of crazy comes in. It's never real, important, sense-making things, but rather small, silly things that appeal to my arrogance or sense of excitement. It's like a mental and emotional high, all these little things making me feel better and better about myself until I'm fueling my own fire, I'm sparkling, I'm flying, and then I think that I might just burn right up in a big fiery END.
Maybe I've let too many plot formulas permeate my perception of how real life should play out, but I can't shake this tiny obsession with tragedy, something I might almost call an actual belief. It's the sense that I am somehow not doomed but rather destined to tragedy. I sort of hate to say it, I sort of hate to put it out there in the universe, but I also sort of feel that it must be articulated. That my whole life has really been incredibly lucky, incredibly wonderful, and that this lucky streak must inevitably conclude in explosive fashion. There's maybe even a certain arrogance to that, in a way: it must come from identifying as the heroine of my own plot, because disaster wouldn't be tragic if it befell a minor character. A fall would only be a drop if it weren't from a great height. Maybe the proverbial pride that comes before a fall is that very specific arrogance that allows you to see yourself as the hero deserving the tragedy, and thus bring it on yourself.
There's an edge to it, a little bit of a crazy edge like you might just go off the deep end and never come back. Maybe I'm a little too paranoid, a little over-sensitive, or a little melodramatic, but sometimes I have this sense that that feeling is bound to be followed by something so awfully opposite. Like you're going to spin and spin and spin out of control.
That happy feeling comes to me in a wave, good things and good emotions building and building until it breaks and washes all over me and I just ride it. But it's a thrilled and not a content happiness, and that's where the edge of crazy comes in. It's never real, important, sense-making things, but rather small, silly things that appeal to my arrogance or sense of excitement. It's like a mental and emotional high, all these little things making me feel better and better about myself until I'm fueling my own fire, I'm sparkling, I'm flying, and then I think that I might just burn right up in a big fiery END.
Maybe I've let too many plot formulas permeate my perception of how real life should play out, but I can't shake this tiny obsession with tragedy, something I might almost call an actual belief. It's the sense that I am somehow not doomed but rather destined to tragedy. I sort of hate to say it, I sort of hate to put it out there in the universe, but I also sort of feel that it must be articulated. That my whole life has really been incredibly lucky, incredibly wonderful, and that this lucky streak must inevitably conclude in explosive fashion. There's maybe even a certain arrogance to that, in a way: it must come from identifying as the heroine of my own plot, because disaster wouldn't be tragic if it befell a minor character. A fall would only be a drop if it weren't from a great height. Maybe the proverbial pride that comes before a fall is that very specific arrogance that allows you to see yourself as the hero deserving the tragedy, and thus bring it on yourself.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Back
Once again it's been far too long since I've written anything (here anyway), not because there's been nothing to write about but because there's been too much going on. And it's like paperwork--I let all these things build up in my head and I put off writing them down, and then when I finally set aside time for it the task just feels too overwhelming. I think that's a big part of why I'm terrible at staying in touch: when you talk to someone for the first time in weeks it just seems impossible to tell them everything in any way that might make it possible for them to understand your life. Constant upkeep is the only way to do it.
But, things really have been happening. Big, important things and little, silly things, and lots of things that are significant in some minor way but mostly just irrelevant to everything. And this time I'm not going to let all those things fall by the wayside just because I was too busy or too lazy to articulate them as they actually came up. I'm going to go back and address each one, because each one was important at the time, and because I want to learn my lesson so I don't let this happen again. It would really be pretty easy if I would just keep up with it. And it may actually get even easier in just a few weeks . . . I am cutting down on waitressing! Not quitting (yet), because I feel bad and I've only been there for a month, but limiting my availability severely because I got the job I wanted!
It's a full-time job at the string store, my first full-time job ever, and it's just perfect: I get to work in an environment I love, with wonderful people, and get paid and get health insurance and have way more time (to write! and practice!) for myself, and it's interesting! It still hasn't quite sunk in yet that this actually happened for me, but I have a desk! And a title! And business cards! And a key to the company van! And I just can't believe how lucky I was to have found this place at all, let alone to have a full-time job only a month out of college in THIS economy (and to think as recently as December I was sure I'd never get a job or an apartment). And it's still basically customer service, which means plenty of material to write about--I just have to keep up with it. And I will this time! As a little jump-start, something I wrote junior year and just found, and actually kind of like is here. I always really hope for and appreciate comments, but especially with this, something a little more creative (and therefore more personal), I would love some feedback.
But, things really have been happening. Big, important things and little, silly things, and lots of things that are significant in some minor way but mostly just irrelevant to everything. And this time I'm not going to let all those things fall by the wayside just because I was too busy or too lazy to articulate them as they actually came up. I'm going to go back and address each one, because each one was important at the time, and because I want to learn my lesson so I don't let this happen again. It would really be pretty easy if I would just keep up with it. And it may actually get even easier in just a few weeks . . . I am cutting down on waitressing! Not quitting (yet), because I feel bad and I've only been there for a month, but limiting my availability severely because I got the job I wanted!
It's a full-time job at the string store, my first full-time job ever, and it's just perfect: I get to work in an environment I love, with wonderful people, and get paid and get health insurance and have way more time (to write! and practice!) for myself, and it's interesting! It still hasn't quite sunk in yet that this actually happened for me, but I have a desk! And a title! And business cards! And a key to the company van! And I just can't believe how lucky I was to have found this place at all, let alone to have a full-time job only a month out of college in THIS economy (and to think as recently as December I was sure I'd never get a job or an apartment). And it's still basically customer service, which means plenty of material to write about--I just have to keep up with it. And I will this time! As a little jump-start, something I wrote junior year and just found, and actually kind of like is here. I always really hope for and appreciate comments, but especially with this, something a little more creative (and therefore more personal), I would love some feedback.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Father's Day
I had a terrible day today. Usually I call my mom when I know I'm overreacting, being overemotional, or letting myself become overwhelmed. Today it happened that it was my dad who got to deal with me, and I was really really a mess for a while. He was just so great--he listened, he commiserated, he told me funny stories, and most important he stayed on the phone as long as I needed him to, BOTH times I called sobbing. We usually have pretty short conversations, so this was a little surprising and definitely appreciated. I don't think about it or tell him often enough, but my daddy is really so wonderful and so good to me.
AHHHHHHHH
Today was one of those days that starts off wrong and then looks, briefly, as though a little positive thinking might turn it around, but then just continues to barrel unrelentingly in the same direction, downhill, until it finally crashes and burns. But the litany of incidents is actually kind of funny when I run over it in list form, and as I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself I'm going to try to focus on the humor of my own personal series of unfortunate events:
-I did not get enough sleep. That was because I decided to work last night when offered the chance at the last minute (that was actually fun, I had a great night) and then did not get home until much later than I was expecting. THAT was because on the way home I tried a new route, took a wrong turn, kept myself calm, found 95, knew I could get home from there, and then discovered that my exit was BLOCKED OFF. In typical Massachusetts fashion, the powers that be had neglected to provide even a hint at a possible detour. Clearly if you're not someone who knows where you're going around here, you don't matter much in these parts anyway.
-I blew a fuse this morning getting ready for work. Luckily my roommates were already awake, even though they didn't have to be, but then we couldn't figure out how to fix it before I had to leave for work, I was nearly late, and I felt terrible for causing a problem and leaving them to fix it.
-Saturdays are crazy at work. CRAZY. Year-round, because many of our customers are crazy, but especially now because June is our crazy-busy month.
----here something good happened--everyone at work was very understanding about the fact that I had to get to another job, and they let me leave early despite all the craziness. But do not think that good things might have become the new trend of the day at that point, because they did not.
-I HAD to stop at Walgreen's on the way--won't go into why, but I HAD to--and this involves driving through Newton Center (always frustrating because the people in all the other cars just do their own thing), finding parking, walking kind of far, and finally waiting in a RIDICULOUS line for the RIDICULOUSLY SLOW cashier to ring everyone else up. And then walking back to the car and getting out of Newton.
-Easier said than done, because a lady in a minivan took the trouble to cut me off just so she could drive a minimum of 5 mph under the speed limit all the way to the highway. So I was going to be late for work anyway.
-And then, getting on the highway, I saw something really awful involving a squirrel which I really can't stand to recount, but I totally lost it. I just don't handle things like that well, or even at all, so then I was bawling like a baby and wondering if I should do something about it and calling people who might know what to do, and then I called my dad and he was wonderful and made me feel a little better.
-But then I got to Work #2, my first night waitressing on my own, and it was TERRIBLE. I cried a little bit at work, which people probably noticed but happily nobody said anything. Then I messed up a lot of things, nearly dropped a tray of food on a table, completely failed to notice a new table in my section, and did a lot of other ridiculous things that basically wound up making me look really stupid and wasting the restaurant a lot of money in comped food and managers' time spent apologizing to customers. All in all a pretty bad first day no matter what, and much worse because I was in no emotional state to handle it with aplomb. When I'm exhausted I get weepy and unhappy. I didn't cry again (surprisingly), but I did get more flustered and do more idiotic things every time something went wrong.
I have to go back there tomorrow and try again, all day, but right now I get to go to bed so hopefully tomorrow I'll be more mentally prepared to handle my own mistakes. This is not a rant or a list of complaints. I think it's partly venting, and also partly here because I really thought this all sounded funny in my head. That was before I wrote it down.
-I did not get enough sleep. That was because I decided to work last night when offered the chance at the last minute (that was actually fun, I had a great night) and then did not get home until much later than I was expecting. THAT was because on the way home I tried a new route, took a wrong turn, kept myself calm, found 95, knew I could get home from there, and then discovered that my exit was BLOCKED OFF. In typical Massachusetts fashion, the powers that be had neglected to provide even a hint at a possible detour. Clearly if you're not someone who knows where you're going around here, you don't matter much in these parts anyway.
-I blew a fuse this morning getting ready for work. Luckily my roommates were already awake, even though they didn't have to be, but then we couldn't figure out how to fix it before I had to leave for work, I was nearly late, and I felt terrible for causing a problem and leaving them to fix it.
-Saturdays are crazy at work. CRAZY. Year-round, because many of our customers are crazy, but especially now because June is our crazy-busy month.
----here something good happened--everyone at work was very understanding about the fact that I had to get to another job, and they let me leave early despite all the craziness. But do not think that good things might have become the new trend of the day at that point, because they did not.
-I HAD to stop at Walgreen's on the way--won't go into why, but I HAD to--and this involves driving through Newton Center (always frustrating because the people in all the other cars just do their own thing), finding parking, walking kind of far, and finally waiting in a RIDICULOUS line for the RIDICULOUSLY SLOW cashier to ring everyone else up. And then walking back to the car and getting out of Newton.
-Easier said than done, because a lady in a minivan took the trouble to cut me off just so she could drive a minimum of 5 mph under the speed limit all the way to the highway. So I was going to be late for work anyway.
-And then, getting on the highway, I saw something really awful involving a squirrel which I really can't stand to recount, but I totally lost it. I just don't handle things like that well, or even at all, so then I was bawling like a baby and wondering if I should do something about it and calling people who might know what to do, and then I called my dad and he was wonderful and made me feel a little better.
-But then I got to Work #2, my first night waitressing on my own, and it was TERRIBLE. I cried a little bit at work, which people probably noticed but happily nobody said anything. Then I messed up a lot of things, nearly dropped a tray of food on a table, completely failed to notice a new table in my section, and did a lot of other ridiculous things that basically wound up making me look really stupid and wasting the restaurant a lot of money in comped food and managers' time spent apologizing to customers. All in all a pretty bad first day no matter what, and much worse because I was in no emotional state to handle it with aplomb. When I'm exhausted I get weepy and unhappy. I didn't cry again (surprisingly), but I did get more flustered and do more idiotic things every time something went wrong.
I have to go back there tomorrow and try again, all day, but right now I get to go to bed so hopefully tomorrow I'll be more mentally prepared to handle my own mistakes. This is not a rant or a list of complaints. I think it's partly venting, and also partly here because I really thought this all sounded funny in my head. That was before I wrote it down.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Time
Just ten minutes ago was the first time I've touched my guitar since graduating . . . and right now is the first time I've written anything. Which is just not right for many reasons, and two major ones: so much has been happening and changing I should have plenty of things to write about, and I no longer have to worry about school! I've been telling myself for months now that once I was finished with college I'd be able to write, practice, and learn all the things I wanted to. Instead, it seems I've spent nearly all my time working or sleeping, and the very rare free time out with friends. So, it's not as easy as I thought it would be to do things for me. I'm literally working every day until I-don't-know-when, and that's actually fine. I'm glad to be kept busy and I'm certainly glad to make some money. But now I need to learn how to fit in the things that will really make me HAPPY, and I guess that's going to be a bigger challenge than I had originally thought.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Excess
I can think of two very distinct meanings of excess off the top of my head--excess the noun, not the adjective or verb. The first has to do with overindulgence, and that I can totally appreciate. In fact I think it can be quite fabulous, and in this spirit I have definitely at certain times in my life been the queen of over-the-top--the Bravery's line "all binge no purge" comes to mind. The second meaning could in some ways be a consequence of the first, overindulgence. The second has to do with superfluous, extraneous stuff, and the whole concept has become actually repulsive to me in the past few months.
I think this has a lot to do with the prospect of moving twice in the next three months, which is now bearing down on me in the final week of life at school. Naturally I've been dreading the sheer hassle of the task, and in anticipation I've been thinking about how much easier packing would be if I could just get rid of some of this STUFF. I have so much stuff! But then when I go through it, I keep thinking "oh but that was expensive" (even if I forgot I owned it) or "oh I might want to wear that" (even if I haven't in years) or "oh but so-and-so gave this to me." And that object-related sentimentality is the worst, because I can't talk myself out of it. I can't convince myself that someone in need might be able to use the souvenir martini glass I stole from a hotel one awesome night, or the broken drumstick a guy in a band once gave me. These things are only valuable to me, because they're attached to emotions. And this brings me to an even more burdensome kind of excess: emotional baggage.
For me, guilt is the worst one. Guilt and embarrassment. I'm so prone to them--my roommate can tell you all about my ridiculous tendency to agonize over the smallest things that I worry might have offended others--and what really bugs me is that they make no sense. Evolutionarily speaking, guilt and embarrassment are useless. Fear makes sense--if you've escaped a dangerous situation, it's self-protection to associate fear with things that might threaten you again in the same way. But the scary moments in my life are not the ones that keep me up at night. (This may be because I've been so blessed not to have any truly awful experiences.) The things that torture me as I lie in bed on sleepless nights are the times I made an idiot of myself or shirked some duty. These things don't affect my life at all, and probably no one else even remembers them--they're completely extraneous! They are excessive thoughts and feelings that are totally unnecessary, and completely negative to boot. And I am sick and tired of carrying them around in my heart, mind, and soul. I need the space for new and wonderful things.
So, it's time now to slim down. Even physically I've got about 10 extra pounds to lose, and I feel weighted and restrained. I've been enjoying my new sense of mental freedom so much, and I need to become totally untethered to make it complete. That means getting rid of extra things, losing extra weight, and most importantly letting go of extra emotional issues that I just don't need. It's gotta be all about the essentials from here on out.
I think this has a lot to do with the prospect of moving twice in the next three months, which is now bearing down on me in the final week of life at school. Naturally I've been dreading the sheer hassle of the task, and in anticipation I've been thinking about how much easier packing would be if I could just get rid of some of this STUFF. I have so much stuff! But then when I go through it, I keep thinking "oh but that was expensive" (even if I forgot I owned it) or "oh I might want to wear that" (even if I haven't in years) or "oh but so-and-so gave this to me." And that object-related sentimentality is the worst, because I can't talk myself out of it. I can't convince myself that someone in need might be able to use the souvenir martini glass I stole from a hotel one awesome night, or the broken drumstick a guy in a band once gave me. These things are only valuable to me, because they're attached to emotions. And this brings me to an even more burdensome kind of excess: emotional baggage.
For me, guilt is the worst one. Guilt and embarrassment. I'm so prone to them--my roommate can tell you all about my ridiculous tendency to agonize over the smallest things that I worry might have offended others--and what really bugs me is that they make no sense. Evolutionarily speaking, guilt and embarrassment are useless. Fear makes sense--if you've escaped a dangerous situation, it's self-protection to associate fear with things that might threaten you again in the same way. But the scary moments in my life are not the ones that keep me up at night. (This may be because I've been so blessed not to have any truly awful experiences.) The things that torture me as I lie in bed on sleepless nights are the times I made an idiot of myself or shirked some duty. These things don't affect my life at all, and probably no one else even remembers them--they're completely extraneous! They are excessive thoughts and feelings that are totally unnecessary, and completely negative to boot. And I am sick and tired of carrying them around in my heart, mind, and soul. I need the space for new and wonderful things.
So, it's time now to slim down. Even physically I've got about 10 extra pounds to lose, and I feel weighted and restrained. I've been enjoying my new sense of mental freedom so much, and I need to become totally untethered to make it complete. That means getting rid of extra things, losing extra weight, and most importantly letting go of extra emotional issues that I just don't need. It's gotta be all about the essentials from here on out.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Freedom & Education
This is mostly a quote, but I'm posting it here because of its pure relevance to my life at the moment, and because it's one of those situations where someone else has said precisely what I would like to say:
"This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted: You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship . . . Because here's something else that's true. In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship--be it J.C. or Allah, Yahweh or the Wiccan mother-goddess or the Four Noble Truths or some infrangible set of ethical principles--is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things--if they are where you tap real meaning in life--then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It's the truth."
--David Foster Wallace
This is from his 2005 Kenyon College commencement address, which was recently turned into a book. An interesting article about the book itself is here, and worth checking out.
"This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted: You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship . . . Because here's something else that's true. In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship--be it J.C. or Allah, Yahweh or the Wiccan mother-goddess or the Four Noble Truths or some infrangible set of ethical principles--is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things--if they are where you tap real meaning in life--then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It's the truth."
--David Foster Wallace
This is from his 2005 Kenyon College commencement address, which was recently turned into a book. An interesting article about the book itself is here, and worth checking out.
Avocado
My very first avocado has ripened!
It may not sound that way, but this is absolutely a momentous occasion, significant on several levels. Allow me to explain:
First of all, this is an avocado that I purchased. It did not come from the dining hall, it did not come from my parents' fridge, and it was not bought for me at a restaurant by a boy. I bought it, all by myself, because I went food shopping. Not to get brie and wine to treat myself, but out of necessity. I am now providing for myself. Because I'm an adult now! It's very exciting.
Second, this avocado represents the essential adventure of trying new things. I vividly remember tasting an avocado in sixth grade and feeling completely repulsed by it, and since then it has been stored in my head as a certain personal fact that I do not like avocado. (Although this was actually kind of silly, because I like guacamole, and I love california rolls. But anyway.) But two of the many things I respect about the people I work with are their healthy lifestyles and their excellent taste, and when everyone insisted on eating raw avocados as snacks several times a day I felt compelled to take a second taste. And it was delicious. So then of course I started sharing my friends' avocados, which I imagine must have been a little irritating for them. But another thing I respect about them is their generosity both in sharing with me and in putting up with me, so it wasn't a big deal. Eventually, however, I decided it was time to get my own avocados.
This was conveniently at the same time that the dining halls closed for the summer and my roommate and I found ourselves suddenly on our own. So, we walked--making good choices right and left!--to the grocery store to begin being grown-ups about things. I was craving avocado and annoyed to find that none of the avocados there were ripe (though our loud discussion about this prompted a strange man to offer some very helpful advice involving a paper bag and the sun to hasten the ripening process). But I picked out four that I thought looked good (nervously, because what do I really know about picking out avocados?), bagged them up, bought them, and walked them home. Three went into the fridge and one sat out. And now, today, it has finally ripened! I'm about to dig in but first, a toast: to growing up! and to doing it right!
It may not sound that way, but this is absolutely a momentous occasion, significant on several levels. Allow me to explain:
First of all, this is an avocado that I purchased. It did not come from the dining hall, it did not come from my parents' fridge, and it was not bought for me at a restaurant by a boy. I bought it, all by myself, because I went food shopping. Not to get brie and wine to treat myself, but out of necessity. I am now providing for myself. Because I'm an adult now! It's very exciting.
Second, this avocado represents the essential adventure of trying new things. I vividly remember tasting an avocado in sixth grade and feeling completely repulsed by it, and since then it has been stored in my head as a certain personal fact that I do not like avocado. (Although this was actually kind of silly, because I like guacamole, and I love california rolls. But anyway.) But two of the many things I respect about the people I work with are their healthy lifestyles and their excellent taste, and when everyone insisted on eating raw avocados as snacks several times a day I felt compelled to take a second taste. And it was delicious. So then of course I started sharing my friends' avocados, which I imagine must have been a little irritating for them. But another thing I respect about them is their generosity both in sharing with me and in putting up with me, so it wasn't a big deal. Eventually, however, I decided it was time to get my own avocados.
This was conveniently at the same time that the dining halls closed for the summer and my roommate and I found ourselves suddenly on our own. So, we walked--making good choices right and left!--to the grocery store to begin being grown-ups about things. I was craving avocado and annoyed to find that none of the avocados there were ripe (though our loud discussion about this prompted a strange man to offer some very helpful advice involving a paper bag and the sun to hasten the ripening process). But I picked out four that I thought looked good (nervously, because what do I really know about picking out avocados?), bagged them up, bought them, and walked them home. Three went into the fridge and one sat out. And now, today, it has finally ripened! I'm about to dig in but first, a toast: to growing up! and to doing it right!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Back At It
I haven't written in a long time, I know. First it was because I was just a little too busy with real life to make time for cyberspace. Then it was because of finals. But now that I've finished finals, I have all the free time I've been looking forward to for so long, and suddenly I've found myself very unwilling to do the things I kept wishing I had time to do. It's been bothering me that I know I should write here and practice guitar--both things for which you have to stay in shape--and that I didn't know why I was putting it off. Just now it occurred to me that I might be avoiding these things out of some kind of fear, possibly dreading that I wouldn't actually ever really do them even though I wanted to. That should make perfect sense to anyone who's ever held a cherished goal, but it sounds so completely silly when it's articulated. So, I decided to scoff at and then shun silliness, and so here I am, back at it.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Laziness
I have had, and am continuing to have, a very lazy day today. I have done almost nothing productive, and at 9 at night it doesn't look like that's changing. I should probably just give up today as hopeless and get to bed early so I can start tomorrow off right, but since I just woke up from an extended after-dinner nap I don't think I'll be able to eke even that much usefulness out of the next few hours.
I'm trying not to feel too bad about this. In fact, I don't really feel that bad about it in the way you would think, but I feel a little guilty about THAT. So now I'm reminding myself of what I read in Barbara Sher's wonderful book Live The Life You Love (I highly recommend it), that when you don't get things done you have to actively decide not to and own that decision. It really is okay that I didn't do much today. I've been busy (having lots of fun, but still) and I enjoyed the sort of mini-vacation. There's nothing that needed to get done, I have no deadlines tomorrow, and I did tons of laundry last week, so this is really pretty reasonable. Also, tomorrow is the day I've been both dreading and looking forward to for about a week: the day I start training at my new job.
This new job will be my second job, which I really needed to supplement my income so I can relax a little about my potential to both pay rent and eat every day after I graduate. It is a waitressing job, at a chain restaurant, which is good because many restaurants will not hire people without experience as waitstaff, and you really have to start somewhere. So soon I will have that experience, enabling me to get a job at another restaurant somewhere down the road if I continue to need a second one, and to work somewhere where I can make tips (hopefully)! So really, this is a VERY good thing and exactly what I was hoping would happen in my search for a second job.
But I'm nervous. I'm always nervous starting new jobs; I think that's probably pretty natural. I think it's mostly transitioning from the role of an outsider to a part of the team, while learning to do something new and inevitably messing it up at least a little, that makes this so difficult. But I've always had the exact same nerves before and never had a bad experience that warranted them, so I've got to just let it go. Maybe if I go lie in my bed and watch The Office some more I'll be distracted. But I think that's even more likely if I practice guitar for a while.
I'm trying not to feel too bad about this. In fact, I don't really feel that bad about it in the way you would think, but I feel a little guilty about THAT. So now I'm reminding myself of what I read in Barbara Sher's wonderful book Live The Life You Love (I highly recommend it), that when you don't get things done you have to actively decide not to and own that decision. It really is okay that I didn't do much today. I've been busy (having lots of fun, but still) and I enjoyed the sort of mini-vacation. There's nothing that needed to get done, I have no deadlines tomorrow, and I did tons of laundry last week, so this is really pretty reasonable. Also, tomorrow is the day I've been both dreading and looking forward to for about a week: the day I start training at my new job.
This new job will be my second job, which I really needed to supplement my income so I can relax a little about my potential to both pay rent and eat every day after I graduate. It is a waitressing job, at a chain restaurant, which is good because many restaurants will not hire people without experience as waitstaff, and you really have to start somewhere. So soon I will have that experience, enabling me to get a job at another restaurant somewhere down the road if I continue to need a second one, and to work somewhere where I can make tips (hopefully)! So really, this is a VERY good thing and exactly what I was hoping would happen in my search for a second job.
But I'm nervous. I'm always nervous starting new jobs; I think that's probably pretty natural. I think it's mostly transitioning from the role of an outsider to a part of the team, while learning to do something new and inevitably messing it up at least a little, that makes this so difficult. But I've always had the exact same nerves before and never had a bad experience that warranted them, so I've got to just let it go. Maybe if I go lie in my bed and watch The Office some more I'll be distracted. But I think that's even more likely if I practice guitar for a while.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Work Excitement
I work at a string instrument shop near Boston. It's a family-owned business, about 30 years old, with customers all over the US and actually many international dealings (instrument acquisition etc) as well. My job is basically retail, but with a lot more customer service mixed in just by the very nature of the business. It's not like when I worked at Gap and people knew what they wanted and only needed me to take their money. Here they need my advice, too, because they often don't really know much about what they're looking for.
So, I really love it at work (especially since all the people who work there are great). But I've been thinking lately about how there's pretty much no room for advancement. I mean, I'm very lucky to have a job in this economy, especially one that I truly LIKE (and that pays pretty well), but it's definitely not a career. But today something really exciting happened!
I frequently demand that my friend from work read this blog when there's very little customer traffic, and apparently yesterday he mentioned to one of the women who specializes in sheet music that I like to write. So today, she asked me if I would like to write some features on pieces I like or recommend for the catalog! Which I definitely would. I'm so excited about this! It immediately made me feel more valuable, and I know it's something I can do well and sort of prove my worth a little more. Now I'm all revved up and I just want to go home and research sheet music!
This is not to say that this particular job suddenly has potential as a career, but it is exciting to have a new and different responsibility--and something else to add to my resume.
So, I really love it at work (especially since all the people who work there are great). But I've been thinking lately about how there's pretty much no room for advancement. I mean, I'm very lucky to have a job in this economy, especially one that I truly LIKE (and that pays pretty well), but it's definitely not a career. But today something really exciting happened!
I frequently demand that my friend from work read this blog when there's very little customer traffic, and apparently yesterday he mentioned to one of the women who specializes in sheet music that I like to write. So today, she asked me if I would like to write some features on pieces I like or recommend for the catalog! Which I definitely would. I'm so excited about this! It immediately made me feel more valuable, and I know it's something I can do well and sort of prove my worth a little more. Now I'm all revved up and I just want to go home and research sheet music!
This is not to say that this particular job suddenly has potential as a career, but it is exciting to have a new and different responsibility--and something else to add to my resume.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Hero Worship
I'm still riding the elated wave from the concert last night--BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN! I have wanted to see him live for years now, and let me tell you, he was worth the wait.
Here's the thing about my Bruce experience though: he has tons and tons of songs. I mean, he has 16 "major studio albums" (according to Wikipedia). But there are a few that I love so much that I listen to them first when I'm in a Bruce mood, and then I usually listen to them on repeat until I'm in a different mood. So for someone who considers herself a HUGE Springsteen fan, I'm really not nearly as familiar with his oeuvre (if you will) as I should be.
So the show started at 7:30. By 9, I was feeling a little disappointed. I was growing a little weary of all the theatrics happening on stage and I was starting to think maybe the songs I love the most are not the most popular, and they just wouldn't be included in a concert. Really, an hour and a half is a long time. How much longer could I expect the concert to last?
Well the answer to that is another 2 hours, for a total of 3 and a half. It was incredible. I don't know how Bruce did it--I was winded just dancing along that long--but he's the Boss, and the Boss didn't let me down. As soon as I had given up on the idea of ever hearing my favorite song performed live, he whipped out a harmonica and played the opening chord to "Thunder Road," and I pretty much lost it. I thought I was going to cry, but I was too happy. It was almost like a spiritual experience, complete with that sense of having your mind caught up in something else that you get when you meditate. Oh man it was just fantastic.
After "Thunder Road" was over I turned to my friend and said (breathlessly, rapturously) "Well we can leave now, I'm happy." But I'm so happy we didn't, because after that, all kinds of other awesome things happened. Like, Bruce called his son up on stage to play drums. First of all he was awesome, and second of all I couldn't get over how cool it must be to be 18 and rocking with your ultimate rockstar dad in front of thousands of people.
Then the guy from the Dropkick Murphys came out with his girlfriend, and PROPOSED! So then I cried. And he stayed on stage to play "So Young and In Love" with Bruce, and then ALL the Dropkicks came out and they played one of their songs with Bruce and the E Street Band. And then there were like 8 more finales, and each time I thought it was over and they'd play another huge and fantastic number. I started to worry that Bruce might have some kind of uncontrollable addiction to performance . . . lucky for the rest of the world.
The Boss, man. What a rockstar, and what an entertainer.
Here's the thing about my Bruce experience though: he has tons and tons of songs. I mean, he has 16 "major studio albums" (according to Wikipedia). But there are a few that I love so much that I listen to them first when I'm in a Bruce mood, and then I usually listen to them on repeat until I'm in a different mood. So for someone who considers herself a HUGE Springsteen fan, I'm really not nearly as familiar with his oeuvre (if you will) as I should be.
So the show started at 7:30. By 9, I was feeling a little disappointed. I was growing a little weary of all the theatrics happening on stage and I was starting to think maybe the songs I love the most are not the most popular, and they just wouldn't be included in a concert. Really, an hour and a half is a long time. How much longer could I expect the concert to last?
Well the answer to that is another 2 hours, for a total of 3 and a half. It was incredible. I don't know how Bruce did it--I was winded just dancing along that long--but he's the Boss, and the Boss didn't let me down. As soon as I had given up on the idea of ever hearing my favorite song performed live, he whipped out a harmonica and played the opening chord to "Thunder Road," and I pretty much lost it. I thought I was going to cry, but I was too happy. It was almost like a spiritual experience, complete with that sense of having your mind caught up in something else that you get when you meditate. Oh man it was just fantastic.
After "Thunder Road" was over I turned to my friend and said (breathlessly, rapturously) "Well we can leave now, I'm happy." But I'm so happy we didn't, because after that, all kinds of other awesome things happened. Like, Bruce called his son up on stage to play drums. First of all he was awesome, and second of all I couldn't get over how cool it must be to be 18 and rocking with your ultimate rockstar dad in front of thousands of people.
Then the guy from the Dropkick Murphys came out with his girlfriend, and PROPOSED! So then I cried. And he stayed on stage to play "So Young and In Love" with Bruce, and then ALL the Dropkicks came out and they played one of their songs with Bruce and the E Street Band. And then there were like 8 more finales, and each time I thought it was over and they'd play another huge and fantastic number. I started to worry that Bruce might have some kind of uncontrollable addiction to performance . . . lucky for the rest of the world.
The Boss, man. What a rockstar, and what an entertainer.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
You Be You
Sometimes you get a little distracted. Even when your head's in the right place, and you know exactly what you want to and should be doing, it happens every once in a while that your thoughts are just occupying themselves in unhelpful ways. In fact I think maybe it's worse when you know what you really want to be worrying about, because then you have the additional stress of trying to quash the distracting thoughts, not succeeding, and wondering what the hell is wrong with you. It's a lot to deal with, and it can make you really uncomfortable and unhappy for weeks at a time if, like me, you are not yet so great at fixing it.
My problem with this has been solved for me! Really I'm left in the wake feeling a little bit like maybe this wasn't what I wanted, but then I've been so unsure of what I wanted for the past few weeks anyway, and the decision that I wound up not even having to make was the one I knew would make me happiest ultimately. So, here we go. Forward of course, once again problem-free. Once again my biggest concern is becoming who I want to be and living the life I love. It sucks that I got distracted from it, but every time that happens it makes it that much easier for me to hang on to it the next time. All is well.
My problem with this has been solved for me! Really I'm left in the wake feeling a little bit like maybe this wasn't what I wanted, but then I've been so unsure of what I wanted for the past few weeks anyway, and the decision that I wound up not even having to make was the one I knew would make me happiest ultimately. So, here we go. Forward of course, once again problem-free. Once again my biggest concern is becoming who I want to be and living the life I love. It sucks that I got distracted from it, but every time that happens it makes it that much easier for me to hang on to it the next time. All is well.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Starting Off Right
More on last night's thinking later (I'm sure). Right now, nothing could bother me. My day got off to such a great start I just don't have the heart to ruin it with stress. Especially when I know stressing won't fix anything anyway.
I woke up later than I should have, for sure. But I also went to bed later than I should have (I've been having trouble sleeping lately, for some totally unknown reason). And there are some mornings when you just know that a little extra sleep would be the best thing you could do for yourself. Every once in a while the benefits of sleeping in far outweigh the consequences, and I think when you recognize one of those times you should go for it, guilt-free. So instead of waking up early and having breakfast and studying, I continued to revel in my beautiful dream. I'm not sure exactly what it was about, but it was comfortable and relaxing and definitely pleasant, and I kind of drifted out of it and eased into the morning naturally before my (fifth) alarm went off. So that was a great feeling, but I had this nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me that I had to go to class soon, and I have an exam tonight, and that meant less time to study. But I shook it off, telling myself that sleep was valuable too and I probably wouldn't have studied more than 3 hours today anyway (I mean let's be honest). And then I checked my e-mail, and my class was cancelled! Plus all this other feel-good stuff had happened: I got a very friendly e-mail back from someone I hardly know who really doesn't have to be nice to me at all, a close friend I haven't seen in a while had written me something that made me feel really good, and I realized I still remembered the stuff I learned on guitar last night! These really aren't big things at all, but just getting a positive boost right when I woke up made me feel so good about the day. Now I'm off to study so I can continue to feel that way after my Psych exam.
I woke up later than I should have, for sure. But I also went to bed later than I should have (I've been having trouble sleeping lately, for some totally unknown reason). And there are some mornings when you just know that a little extra sleep would be the best thing you could do for yourself. Every once in a while the benefits of sleeping in far outweigh the consequences, and I think when you recognize one of those times you should go for it, guilt-free. So instead of waking up early and having breakfast and studying, I continued to revel in my beautiful dream. I'm not sure exactly what it was about, but it was comfortable and relaxing and definitely pleasant, and I kind of drifted out of it and eased into the morning naturally before my (fifth) alarm went off. So that was a great feeling, but I had this nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me that I had to go to class soon, and I have an exam tonight, and that meant less time to study. But I shook it off, telling myself that sleep was valuable too and I probably wouldn't have studied more than 3 hours today anyway (I mean let's be honest). And then I checked my e-mail, and my class was cancelled! Plus all this other feel-good stuff had happened: I got a very friendly e-mail back from someone I hardly know who really doesn't have to be nice to me at all, a close friend I haven't seen in a while had written me something that made me feel really good, and I realized I still remembered the stuff I learned on guitar last night! These really aren't big things at all, but just getting a positive boost right when I woke up made me feel so good about the day. Now I'm off to study so I can continue to feel that way after my Psych exam.
Thinking
Sometimes I feel like all I talk about with anyone is boys, girls, dating, relationships. And I want to know, WHY is it that this is always such a priority? I kind of think that, at least for me, it's just the way it is. Certainly I know, logically, that pretty much everything else in my life right now is more important than a romantic relationship or potential relationship. And yet since I was 15 and had my first serious boyfriend, the guy or guys in my life have always been the most difficult thing to put out of my mind. Is it a girl thing? Does it go along with a certain type of personality? Because I definitely know people who are doing way better at focusing on themselves than I am (mostly guy friends, but maybe it just seems that way to me because we also talk about other things). For me though, everything else in my life could be great--school, work, family, ALL the really important things--but if I'm having guy problems it feels like everything sucks.
I was actually doing really well for a while there. For years I would break up with a dude because I knew I needed time by myself to really gain independence, and then bounce right into another relationship. Somehow, magically, in the last year or so, I finally truly gained that independent feeling I was looking for. I knew I could be happy by myself and that I didn't want a relationship with just anyone. And then when I did meet people I felt compelled to really be with, they were mature relationships in which we both maintained a sense of self. I felt like I had finally grown up. I knew how to recognize when I would be happier by myself, and not to stay with someone just to have someone (ALWAYS a bad idea). I knew not to settle and when it felt like settling. And I knew that at 21 I don't need any compromises or anything tying me down, and the absolute only reason I should date anyone is if he adds something good to my life.
Then I realized, maybe I hadn't grown out of it at all. Maybe I just hadn't REALLY liked anyone in a long time. Suddenly I was thinking about one person all the time again. For a little while it was okay; it was exciting to be excited about someone, to get to know a person who I just liked everything about. Then it got distracting, and then it got to the point where it wasn't even happy anymore. Instead of just harmlessly, happily wanting to talk to him, I was wondering why he hadn't texted me yet that day. Which is negative, not positive and, as you probably all know, makes you feel pathetic. But sometimes it just gets in your head and even though you don't WANT to be pathetic and you're pretty sure that you're not actually a pathetic person, there you are checking your phone to see if maybe you just didn't hear it ring. And you're just disgusted with yourself for participating in that kind of ridiculous behavior.
And now I'm thinking: I have to take a stand and refuse to play these games that are in my head. I don't have the time or the energy for this crap and frankly it isn't any fun. And I'm 21 years old, I would prefer to have nothing but fun at this point in my life. Which I was, for a couple of months there. I've got to figure out how to get that back.
I was actually doing really well for a while there. For years I would break up with a dude because I knew I needed time by myself to really gain independence, and then bounce right into another relationship. Somehow, magically, in the last year or so, I finally truly gained that independent feeling I was looking for. I knew I could be happy by myself and that I didn't want a relationship with just anyone. And then when I did meet people I felt compelled to really be with, they were mature relationships in which we both maintained a sense of self. I felt like I had finally grown up. I knew how to recognize when I would be happier by myself, and not to stay with someone just to have someone (ALWAYS a bad idea). I knew not to settle and when it felt like settling. And I knew that at 21 I don't need any compromises or anything tying me down, and the absolute only reason I should date anyone is if he adds something good to my life.
Then I realized, maybe I hadn't grown out of it at all. Maybe I just hadn't REALLY liked anyone in a long time. Suddenly I was thinking about one person all the time again. For a little while it was okay; it was exciting to be excited about someone, to get to know a person who I just liked everything about. Then it got distracting, and then it got to the point where it wasn't even happy anymore. Instead of just harmlessly, happily wanting to talk to him, I was wondering why he hadn't texted me yet that day. Which is negative, not positive and, as you probably all know, makes you feel pathetic. But sometimes it just gets in your head and even though you don't WANT to be pathetic and you're pretty sure that you're not actually a pathetic person, there you are checking your phone to see if maybe you just didn't hear it ring. And you're just disgusted with yourself for participating in that kind of ridiculous behavior.
And now I'm thinking: I have to take a stand and refuse to play these games that are in my head. I don't have the time or the energy for this crap and frankly it isn't any fun. And I'm 21 years old, I would prefer to have nothing but fun at this point in my life. Which I was, for a couple of months there. I've got to figure out how to get that back.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I'm Back!
It's been a long time since I've felt as fun or as hot as I do right now and I am totally gonna make a huge deal of it. I've had a lot of fun this year but nothing like last year. My junior year was crazy; I was such a huge partier and I had so much fun. This year I've sort of had this feeling that I grew out of it or maybe that I lost it (I have a whole theory that when I cut my long hair off all my fun power went with it, like a college-girl version of Samson). And it's my sister's freshman year at college and she has been having so much (too much) fun, and it had been making me feel a little like I let that part of myself go too soon and too easily. Well, it's back! My hair is finally getting long again and at least tonight I'm wearing my old attitude too. I'm all dressed up and going out with one of my best girlfriends and I can't wait to rock this town.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Worries
I'm usually pretty positive but I've been up all night unable to fall asleep and I just keep THINKING about things and I just keep getting more and more stressed out. And of course it's all stuff that I can't do anything about right now and stressing only makes it harder to sleep, so now I've got myself completely distraught and have no idea how to fix it (I even tried taking medicine that usually knocks me right out, to no avail) and it's not like I can call my mom and cry to her at 4 o'clock in the morning so here I am.
I'm just so worried! All my life thus far I've always kind of felt like everything will be okay, it just will, it just has to. And now that I'm really approaching the real world, I just don't see how things will EVER be okay. I can't imagine that I will ever have enough money to do anything more than simply subsist. Certainly I don't know how I can ever have anything that I want and don't actually need. I imagine myself after graduation lonely and miserable because after paying rent I can't afford to go out with my friends, can't even afford to eat very much, and can't go home for Christmas because I can't get time off from work and my car has broken down so I have no way of getting there. I just wish there was something I could DO now instead of playing these pointless head games with myself.
I'm just so worried! All my life thus far I've always kind of felt like everything will be okay, it just will, it just has to. And now that I'm really approaching the real world, I just don't see how things will EVER be okay. I can't imagine that I will ever have enough money to do anything more than simply subsist. Certainly I don't know how I can ever have anything that I want and don't actually need. I imagine myself after graduation lonely and miserable because after paying rent I can't afford to go out with my friends, can't even afford to eat very much, and can't go home for Christmas because I can't get time off from work and my car has broken down so I have no way of getting there. I just wish there was something I could DO now instead of playing these pointless head games with myself.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Go Me!
I am so proud of myself right now; I had SUCH a great day! Not to toot my own horn too much, but sometimes getting stuff done is such a struggle. Plus, we just discussed in my Organizational Psych class how important it is to take credit for your successes. According to the research, men typically attribute their achievements to their intrinsic, personal characteristics, while women are less likely to give themselves credit for things they've accomplished. Additionally, men tend to blame extrinsic factors beyond their control for their failures, while women are far more likely to feel responsible for things that go wrong. Obviously people who really believe they deserve credit for their success (and I'm talking believing it inside your head, not bragging to everyone else) would be generally happier, but it turns out that they actually are less stressed, more engaged in their work, and more satisfied by their work. I already feel pretty good right now about my accomplishments today, but in an effort to maintain a stress-free happiness I'm gonna go ahead and revel in it.
It's just that I got so much DONE! Usually I make grand plans for my to-do list but sort of know in the back of my head that most of it won't happen (setting myself up for failure). It starts when I wake up--I have a really tough time getting out of bed before I absolutely have to, no matter how much sleep I got, and that leads to my wasting a frustrating amount of time on days when I don't have class until 1:30. The problem is that there's just so much involved in getting ready to go somewhere that I just don't go. So today, instead, I woke up early, but then I took my time allowing myself to get a slow start. I know every day that I'm eventually going to spend a lot of time reading my e-mail and checking all the sites I read, so I just got that out of the way first. It was fun and not challenging at all; a good way to ease into the day. And then I practiced bass AND guitar, and I didn't even have to brush my teeth or get dressed! I saved leaving my room for when I actually had to be somewhere, and I still managed to get stuff done and feel like I was being productive.
Then, and I thought this was really clever, I wore my sweats TO CLASS. Smart, right? That way I could go straight to the sports center and work out without going back to my room and risking the temptation of the internet or a nap. It was pouring and I got soaking wet and almost decided it was too gross to do anything, and then I thought well I need a shower anyway so I might as well go work out. I ran three miles and I was so proud of myself for actually going that I did it in my best time ever (which I won't share cuz it's embarrassing, but still good for me). So I felt totally awesome, and then I went and worked on my project (due tomorrow) for a little while before dinner because I knew later there would probably be a bunch of noisy annoying girls in the lab. After that I had a built-in break because there was a class in the lab, and since I got stuff done earlier I didn't feel guilty at all about doing nothing during that time. But after the class got out I went right back over and I got my project done at an uncharacteristically early hour (it's not even midnight!) and I just feel SO SO good about my day that I want to keep going. But I won't, I'll go to sleep soon--and that way I can do the same thing again tomorrow. I usually try to avoid emoticons but for real :D
It's just that I got so much DONE! Usually I make grand plans for my to-do list but sort of know in the back of my head that most of it won't happen (setting myself up for failure). It starts when I wake up--I have a really tough time getting out of bed before I absolutely have to, no matter how much sleep I got, and that leads to my wasting a frustrating amount of time on days when I don't have class until 1:30. The problem is that there's just so much involved in getting ready to go somewhere that I just don't go. So today, instead, I woke up early, but then I took my time allowing myself to get a slow start. I know every day that I'm eventually going to spend a lot of time reading my e-mail and checking all the sites I read, so I just got that out of the way first. It was fun and not challenging at all; a good way to ease into the day. And then I practiced bass AND guitar, and I didn't even have to brush my teeth or get dressed! I saved leaving my room for when I actually had to be somewhere, and I still managed to get stuff done and feel like I was being productive.
Then, and I thought this was really clever, I wore my sweats TO CLASS. Smart, right? That way I could go straight to the sports center and work out without going back to my room and risking the temptation of the internet or a nap. It was pouring and I got soaking wet and almost decided it was too gross to do anything, and then I thought well I need a shower anyway so I might as well go work out. I ran three miles and I was so proud of myself for actually going that I did it in my best time ever (which I won't share cuz it's embarrassing, but still good for me). So I felt totally awesome, and then I went and worked on my project (due tomorrow) for a little while before dinner because I knew later there would probably be a bunch of noisy annoying girls in the lab. After that I had a built-in break because there was a class in the lab, and since I got stuff done earlier I didn't feel guilty at all about doing nothing during that time. But after the class got out I went right back over and I got my project done at an uncharacteristically early hour (it's not even midnight!) and I just feel SO SO good about my day that I want to keep going. But I won't, I'll go to sleep soon--and that way I can do the same thing again tomorrow. I usually try to avoid emoticons but for real :D
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Discomfort Update
I am running this by my mom and my sister, two of the (few) people whose taste I respect most in the world. Pending their approval, I will take the leap and actually share this (I mean it's on the internet already, but more publicly. Facebook or something). It still feels a little like I'm taking up a totally unwarranted amount of cyberspace with this "me me me" stuff . . . but it's not like I'm the only one.
. . . and that sort of insecurity is one of the things I'm trying to conquer. You know how sometimes really painfully shy people can be sort of irritating, because you feel bad for them but it kind of seems like they're just not trying? I have total sympathy, because I used to be one of those people, but it's still hard to watch someone cringing and shrinking from any kind of attention. Attention is fun! And now that I am the kind of person who can never convince friends that I was in fact shy once upon a time, I realize the thing that those people are lacking is the willingness, the confidence, or the sense of entitlement to just MAKE NOISE and TAKE UP SPACE. We all deserve to do a little of that.
. . . and that sort of insecurity is one of the things I'm trying to conquer. You know how sometimes really painfully shy people can be sort of irritating, because you feel bad for them but it kind of seems like they're just not trying? I have total sympathy, because I used to be one of those people, but it's still hard to watch someone cringing and shrinking from any kind of attention. Attention is fun! And now that I am the kind of person who can never convince friends that I was in fact shy once upon a time, I realize the thing that those people are lacking is the willingness, the confidence, or the sense of entitlement to just MAKE NOISE and TAKE UP SPACE. We all deserve to do a little of that.
Discomfort
Okay so I've been doing this for all of what, 4 and a half hours? And I'm having so much fun, and it's not like anyone's read it yet, and it does everything I want it to--I can divide my thought-shares into categories (Other Pieces of Me)! LOVE it! And of course everyone likes talking about themselves. But now I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this is just totally stupid and narcissistic and ridiculous, and I am being so presumptuous by even posting it. I mean, it does seem sort of silly. But tons of other people are writing blogs about themselves, and even more other people are reading those blogs, for no apparent reason really, so why shouldn't I? I'm not forcing anyone to read it, and it's a good writing exercise. And seriously, this is REALLY fun.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Just Doing It
I've always had a problem with Just Doing It. It's not that I don't have the desire or the motivation to create, it's just that I always want to know that there is the potential for a cohesive final project before I start--and that need to have a perfect final vision in mind has held me back and kept me from creating anything at all. Lately I've been trying to remind myself that beginning is always the hardest part, and to convince myself once and for all that anything would be better than nothing.
I think a big part of it is a fear of failure; that the results may not be as good as I expect. But of course it's easy to see if you're at all tuned in to anything happening on the internet that no one cares about finalizing and refining anymore. Blogs are not tightly edited pieces, they're snippets of thought blurted out. Reality shows are not results, they are chronicles of a process. These are the materials the world consumes. I am holding myself back with the stubborn and apparently outdated feeling that I need to finish something before I can share it. I see people on Gawker, for example, who are apparently famous or noteworthy-enough to appear on Gawker, and who are doing nothing particularly special or interesting, certainly nothing that I couldn't do (maybe even better)--but the difference between them and me is that they're actually doing it! And really, all it takes is simply jotting down a few thoughts and posting them on a semi-regular basis. What could be easier? Clearly our culture is now about sharing and oversharing, showing and telling . . . and quality be damned.
So here goes.
I think a big part of it is a fear of failure; that the results may not be as good as I expect. But of course it's easy to see if you're at all tuned in to anything happening on the internet that no one cares about finalizing and refining anymore. Blogs are not tightly edited pieces, they're snippets of thought blurted out. Reality shows are not results, they are chronicles of a process. These are the materials the world consumes. I am holding myself back with the stubborn and apparently outdated feeling that I need to finish something before I can share it. I see people on Gawker, for example, who are apparently famous or noteworthy-enough to appear on Gawker, and who are doing nothing particularly special or interesting, certainly nothing that I couldn't do (maybe even better)--but the difference between them and me is that they're actually doing it! And really, all it takes is simply jotting down a few thoughts and posting them on a semi-regular basis. What could be easier? Clearly our culture is now about sharing and oversharing, showing and telling . . . and quality be damned.
So here goes.
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