Excess

I can think of two very distinct meanings of excess off the top of my head--excess the noun, not the adjective or verb. The first has to do with overindulgence, and that I can totally appreciate. In fact I think it can be quite fabulous, and in this spirit I have definitely at certain times in my life been the queen of over-the-top--the Bravery's line "all binge no purge" comes to mind. The second meaning could in some ways be a consequence of the first, overindulgence. The second has to do with superfluous, extraneous stuff, and the whole concept has become actually repulsive to me in the past few months.

I think this has a lot to do with the prospect of moving twice in the next three months, which is now bearing down on me in the final week of life at school. Naturally I've been dreading the sheer hassle of the task, and in anticipation I've been thinking about how much easier packing would be if I could just get rid of some of this STUFF. I have so much stuff! But then when I go through it, I keep thinking "oh but that was expensive" (even if I forgot I owned it) or "oh I might want to wear that" (even if I haven't in years) or "oh but so-and-so gave this to me." And that object-related sentimentality is the worst, because I can't talk myself out of it. I can't convince myself that someone in need might be able to use the souvenir martini glass I stole from a hotel one awesome night, or the broken drumstick a guy in a band once gave me. These things are only valuable to me, because they're attached to emotions. And this brings me to an even more burdensome kind of excess: emotional baggage.

For me, guilt is the worst one. Guilt and embarrassment. I'm so prone to them--my roommate can tell you all about my ridiculous tendency to agonize over the smallest things that I worry might have offended others--and what really bugs me is that they make no sense. Evolutionarily speaking, guilt and embarrassment are useless. Fear makes sense--if you've escaped a dangerous situation, it's self-protection to associate fear with things that might threaten you again in the same way. But the scary moments in my life are not the ones that keep me up at night. (This may be because I've been so blessed not to have any truly awful experiences.) The things that torture me as I lie in bed on sleepless nights are the times I made an idiot of myself or shirked some duty. These things don't affect my life at all, and probably no one else even remembers them--they're completely extraneous! They are excessive thoughts and feelings that are totally unnecessary, and completely negative to boot. And I am sick and tired of carrying them around in my heart, mind, and soul. I need the space for new and wonderful things.

So, it's time now to slim down. Even physically I've got about 10 extra pounds to lose, and I feel weighted and restrained. I've been enjoying my new sense of mental freedom so much, and I need to become totally untethered to make it complete. That means getting rid of extra things, losing extra weight, and most importantly letting go of extra emotional issues that I just don't need. It's gotta be all about the essentials from here on out.