Discomfort Update

I am running this by my mom and my sister, two of the (few) people whose taste I respect most in the world. Pending their approval, I will take the leap and actually share this (I mean it's on the internet already, but more publicly. Facebook or something). It still feels a little like I'm taking up a totally unwarranted amount of cyberspace with this "me me me" stuff . . . but it's not like I'm the only one.

. . . and that sort of insecurity is one of the things I'm trying to conquer. You know how sometimes really painfully shy people can be sort of irritating, because you feel bad for them but it kind of seems like they're just not trying? I have total sympathy, because I used to be one of those people, but it's still hard to watch someone cringing and shrinking from any kind of attention. Attention is fun! And now that I am the kind of person who can never convince friends that I was in fact shy once upon a time, I realize the thing that those people are lacking is the willingness, the confidence, or the sense of entitlement to just MAKE NOISE and TAKE UP SPACE. We all deserve to do a little of that.

Discomfort

Okay so I've been doing this for all of what, 4 and a half hours? And I'm having so much fun, and it's not like anyone's read it yet, and it does everything I want it to--I can divide my thought-shares into categories (Other Pieces of Me)! LOVE it! And of course everyone likes talking about themselves. But now I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this is just totally stupid and narcissistic and ridiculous, and I am being so presumptuous by even posting it. I mean, it does seem sort of silly. But tons of other people are writing blogs about themselves, and even more other people are reading those blogs, for no apparent reason really, so why shouldn't I? I'm not forcing anyone to read it, and it's a good writing exercise. And seriously, this is REALLY fun.

Just Doing It

I've always had a problem with Just Doing It. It's not that I don't have the desire or the motivation to create, it's just that I always want to know that there is the potential for a cohesive final project before I start--and that need to have a perfect final vision in mind has held me back and kept me from creating anything at all. Lately I've been trying to remind myself that beginning is always the hardest part, and to convince myself once and for all that anything would be better than nothing.

I think a big part of it is a fear of failure; that the results may not be as good as I expect. But of course it's easy to see if you're at all tuned in to anything happening on the internet that no one cares about finalizing and refining anymore. Blogs are not tightly edited pieces, they're snippets of thought blurted out. Reality shows are not results, they are chronicles of a process. These are the materials the world consumes. I am holding myself back with the stubborn and apparently outdated feeling that I need to finish something before I can share it. I see people on Gawker, for example, who are apparently famous or noteworthy-enough to appear on Gawker, and who are doing nothing particularly special or interesting, certainly nothing that I couldn't do (maybe even better)--but the difference between them and me is that they're actually doing it! And really, all it takes is simply jotting down a few thoughts and posting them on a semi-regular basis. What could be easier? Clearly our culture is now about sharing and oversharing, showing and telling . . . and quality be damned.

So here goes.