Sunday, June 21, 2009
Father's Day
I had a terrible day today. Usually I call my mom when I know I'm overreacting, being overemotional, or letting myself become overwhelmed. Today it happened that it was my dad who got to deal with me, and I was really really a mess for a while. He was just so great--he listened, he commiserated, he told me funny stories, and most important he stayed on the phone as long as I needed him to, BOTH times I called sobbing. We usually have pretty short conversations, so this was a little surprising and definitely appreciated. I don't think about it or tell him often enough, but my daddy is really so wonderful and so good to me.
AHHHHHHHH
Today was one of those days that starts off wrong and then looks, briefly, as though a little positive thinking might turn it around, but then just continues to barrel unrelentingly in the same direction, downhill, until it finally crashes and burns. But the litany of incidents is actually kind of funny when I run over it in list form, and as I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself I'm going to try to focus on the humor of my own personal series of unfortunate events:
-I did not get enough sleep. That was because I decided to work last night when offered the chance at the last minute (that was actually fun, I had a great night) and then did not get home until much later than I was expecting. THAT was because on the way home I tried a new route, took a wrong turn, kept myself calm, found 95, knew I could get home from there, and then discovered that my exit was BLOCKED OFF. In typical Massachusetts fashion, the powers that be had neglected to provide even a hint at a possible detour. Clearly if you're not someone who knows where you're going around here, you don't matter much in these parts anyway.
-I blew a fuse this morning getting ready for work. Luckily my roommates were already awake, even though they didn't have to be, but then we couldn't figure out how to fix it before I had to leave for work, I was nearly late, and I felt terrible for causing a problem and leaving them to fix it.
-Saturdays are crazy at work. CRAZY. Year-round, because many of our customers are crazy, but especially now because June is our crazy-busy month.
----here something good happened--everyone at work was very understanding about the fact that I had to get to another job, and they let me leave early despite all the craziness. But do not think that good things might have become the new trend of the day at that point, because they did not.
-I HAD to stop at Walgreen's on the way--won't go into why, but I HAD to--and this involves driving through Newton Center (always frustrating because the people in all the other cars just do their own thing), finding parking, walking kind of far, and finally waiting in a RIDICULOUS line for the RIDICULOUSLY SLOW cashier to ring everyone else up. And then walking back to the car and getting out of Newton.
-Easier said than done, because a lady in a minivan took the trouble to cut me off just so she could drive a minimum of 5 mph under the speed limit all the way to the highway. So I was going to be late for work anyway.
-And then, getting on the highway, I saw something really awful involving a squirrel which I really can't stand to recount, but I totally lost it. I just don't handle things like that well, or even at all, so then I was bawling like a baby and wondering if I should do something about it and calling people who might know what to do, and then I called my dad and he was wonderful and made me feel a little better.
-But then I got to Work #2, my first night waitressing on my own, and it was TERRIBLE. I cried a little bit at work, which people probably noticed but happily nobody said anything. Then I messed up a lot of things, nearly dropped a tray of food on a table, completely failed to notice a new table in my section, and did a lot of other ridiculous things that basically wound up making me look really stupid and wasting the restaurant a lot of money in comped food and managers' time spent apologizing to customers. All in all a pretty bad first day no matter what, and much worse because I was in no emotional state to handle it with aplomb. When I'm exhausted I get weepy and unhappy. I didn't cry again (surprisingly), but I did get more flustered and do more idiotic things every time something went wrong.
I have to go back there tomorrow and try again, all day, but right now I get to go to bed so hopefully tomorrow I'll be more mentally prepared to handle my own mistakes. This is not a rant or a list of complaints. I think it's partly venting, and also partly here because I really thought this all sounded funny in my head. That was before I wrote it down.
-I did not get enough sleep. That was because I decided to work last night when offered the chance at the last minute (that was actually fun, I had a great night) and then did not get home until much later than I was expecting. THAT was because on the way home I tried a new route, took a wrong turn, kept myself calm, found 95, knew I could get home from there, and then discovered that my exit was BLOCKED OFF. In typical Massachusetts fashion, the powers that be had neglected to provide even a hint at a possible detour. Clearly if you're not someone who knows where you're going around here, you don't matter much in these parts anyway.
-I blew a fuse this morning getting ready for work. Luckily my roommates were already awake, even though they didn't have to be, but then we couldn't figure out how to fix it before I had to leave for work, I was nearly late, and I felt terrible for causing a problem and leaving them to fix it.
-Saturdays are crazy at work. CRAZY. Year-round, because many of our customers are crazy, but especially now because June is our crazy-busy month.
----here something good happened--everyone at work was very understanding about the fact that I had to get to another job, and they let me leave early despite all the craziness. But do not think that good things might have become the new trend of the day at that point, because they did not.
-I HAD to stop at Walgreen's on the way--won't go into why, but I HAD to--and this involves driving through Newton Center (always frustrating because the people in all the other cars just do their own thing), finding parking, walking kind of far, and finally waiting in a RIDICULOUS line for the RIDICULOUSLY SLOW cashier to ring everyone else up. And then walking back to the car and getting out of Newton.
-Easier said than done, because a lady in a minivan took the trouble to cut me off just so she could drive a minimum of 5 mph under the speed limit all the way to the highway. So I was going to be late for work anyway.
-And then, getting on the highway, I saw something really awful involving a squirrel which I really can't stand to recount, but I totally lost it. I just don't handle things like that well, or even at all, so then I was bawling like a baby and wondering if I should do something about it and calling people who might know what to do, and then I called my dad and he was wonderful and made me feel a little better.
-But then I got to Work #2, my first night waitressing on my own, and it was TERRIBLE. I cried a little bit at work, which people probably noticed but happily nobody said anything. Then I messed up a lot of things, nearly dropped a tray of food on a table, completely failed to notice a new table in my section, and did a lot of other ridiculous things that basically wound up making me look really stupid and wasting the restaurant a lot of money in comped food and managers' time spent apologizing to customers. All in all a pretty bad first day no matter what, and much worse because I was in no emotional state to handle it with aplomb. When I'm exhausted I get weepy and unhappy. I didn't cry again (surprisingly), but I did get more flustered and do more idiotic things every time something went wrong.
I have to go back there tomorrow and try again, all day, but right now I get to go to bed so hopefully tomorrow I'll be more mentally prepared to handle my own mistakes. This is not a rant or a list of complaints. I think it's partly venting, and also partly here because I really thought this all sounded funny in my head. That was before I wrote it down.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Time
Just ten minutes ago was the first time I've touched my guitar since graduating . . . and right now is the first time I've written anything. Which is just not right for many reasons, and two major ones: so much has been happening and changing I should have plenty of things to write about, and I no longer have to worry about school! I've been telling myself for months now that once I was finished with college I'd be able to write, practice, and learn all the things I wanted to. Instead, it seems I've spent nearly all my time working or sleeping, and the very rare free time out with friends. So, it's not as easy as I thought it would be to do things for me. I'm literally working every day until I-don't-know-when, and that's actually fine. I'm glad to be kept busy and I'm certainly glad to make some money. But now I need to learn how to fit in the things that will really make me HAPPY, and I guess that's going to be a bigger challenge than I had originally thought.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Excess
I can think of two very distinct meanings of excess off the top of my head--excess the noun, not the adjective or verb. The first has to do with overindulgence, and that I can totally appreciate. In fact I think it can be quite fabulous, and in this spirit I have definitely at certain times in my life been the queen of over-the-top--the Bravery's line "all binge no purge" comes to mind. The second meaning could in some ways be a consequence of the first, overindulgence. The second has to do with superfluous, extraneous stuff, and the whole concept has become actually repulsive to me in the past few months.
I think this has a lot to do with the prospect of moving twice in the next three months, which is now bearing down on me in the final week of life at school. Naturally I've been dreading the sheer hassle of the task, and in anticipation I've been thinking about how much easier packing would be if I could just get rid of some of this STUFF. I have so much stuff! But then when I go through it, I keep thinking "oh but that was expensive" (even if I forgot I owned it) or "oh I might want to wear that" (even if I haven't in years) or "oh but so-and-so gave this to me." And that object-related sentimentality is the worst, because I can't talk myself out of it. I can't convince myself that someone in need might be able to use the souvenir martini glass I stole from a hotel one awesome night, or the broken drumstick a guy in a band once gave me. These things are only valuable to me, because they're attached to emotions. And this brings me to an even more burdensome kind of excess: emotional baggage.
For me, guilt is the worst one. Guilt and embarrassment. I'm so prone to them--my roommate can tell you all about my ridiculous tendency to agonize over the smallest things that I worry might have offended others--and what really bugs me is that they make no sense. Evolutionarily speaking, guilt and embarrassment are useless. Fear makes sense--if you've escaped a dangerous situation, it's self-protection to associate fear with things that might threaten you again in the same way. But the scary moments in my life are not the ones that keep me up at night. (This may be because I've been so blessed not to have any truly awful experiences.) The things that torture me as I lie in bed on sleepless nights are the times I made an idiot of myself or shirked some duty. These things don't affect my life at all, and probably no one else even remembers them--they're completely extraneous! They are excessive thoughts and feelings that are totally unnecessary, and completely negative to boot. And I am sick and tired of carrying them around in my heart, mind, and soul. I need the space for new and wonderful things.
So, it's time now to slim down. Even physically I've got about 10 extra pounds to lose, and I feel weighted and restrained. I've been enjoying my new sense of mental freedom so much, and I need to become totally untethered to make it complete. That means getting rid of extra things, losing extra weight, and most importantly letting go of extra emotional issues that I just don't need. It's gotta be all about the essentials from here on out.
I think this has a lot to do with the prospect of moving twice in the next three months, which is now bearing down on me in the final week of life at school. Naturally I've been dreading the sheer hassle of the task, and in anticipation I've been thinking about how much easier packing would be if I could just get rid of some of this STUFF. I have so much stuff! But then when I go through it, I keep thinking "oh but that was expensive" (even if I forgot I owned it) or "oh I might want to wear that" (even if I haven't in years) or "oh but so-and-so gave this to me." And that object-related sentimentality is the worst, because I can't talk myself out of it. I can't convince myself that someone in need might be able to use the souvenir martini glass I stole from a hotel one awesome night, or the broken drumstick a guy in a band once gave me. These things are only valuable to me, because they're attached to emotions. And this brings me to an even more burdensome kind of excess: emotional baggage.
For me, guilt is the worst one. Guilt and embarrassment. I'm so prone to them--my roommate can tell you all about my ridiculous tendency to agonize over the smallest things that I worry might have offended others--and what really bugs me is that they make no sense. Evolutionarily speaking, guilt and embarrassment are useless. Fear makes sense--if you've escaped a dangerous situation, it's self-protection to associate fear with things that might threaten you again in the same way. But the scary moments in my life are not the ones that keep me up at night. (This may be because I've been so blessed not to have any truly awful experiences.) The things that torture me as I lie in bed on sleepless nights are the times I made an idiot of myself or shirked some duty. These things don't affect my life at all, and probably no one else even remembers them--they're completely extraneous! They are excessive thoughts and feelings that are totally unnecessary, and completely negative to boot. And I am sick and tired of carrying them around in my heart, mind, and soul. I need the space for new and wonderful things.
So, it's time now to slim down. Even physically I've got about 10 extra pounds to lose, and I feel weighted and restrained. I've been enjoying my new sense of mental freedom so much, and I need to become totally untethered to make it complete. That means getting rid of extra things, losing extra weight, and most importantly letting go of extra emotional issues that I just don't need. It's gotta be all about the essentials from here on out.
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