Work Excitement

I work at a string instrument shop near Boston. It's a family-owned business, about 30 years old, with customers all over the US and actually many international dealings (instrument acquisition etc) as well. My job is basically retail, but with a lot more customer service mixed in just by the very nature of the business. It's not like when I worked at Gap and people knew what they wanted and only needed me to take their money. Here they need my advice, too, because they often don't really know much about what they're looking for.
So, I really love it at work (especially since all the people who work there are great). But I've been thinking lately about how there's pretty much no room for advancement. I mean, I'm very lucky to have a job in this economy, especially one that I truly LIKE (and that pays pretty well), but it's definitely not a career. But today something really exciting happened!
I frequently demand that my friend from work read this blog when there's very little customer traffic, and apparently yesterday he mentioned to one of the women who specializes in sheet music that I like to write. So today, she asked me if I would like to write some features on pieces I like or recommend for the catalog! Which I definitely would. I'm so excited about this! It immediately made me feel more valuable, and I know it's something I can do well and sort of prove my worth a little more. Now I'm all revved up and I just want to go home and research sheet music!
This is not to say that this particular job suddenly has potential as a career, but it is exciting to have a new and different responsibility--and something else to add to my resume.

Hero Worship

I'm still riding the elated wave from the concert last night--BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN! I have wanted to see him live for years now, and let me tell you, he was worth the wait.

Here's the thing about my Bruce experience though: he has tons and tons of songs. I mean, he has 16 "major studio albums" (according to Wikipedia). But there are a few that I love so much that I listen to them first when I'm in a Bruce mood, and then I usually listen to them on repeat until I'm in a different mood. So for someone who considers herself a HUGE Springsteen fan, I'm really not nearly as familiar with his oeuvre (if you will) as I should be.

So the show started at 7:30. By 9, I was feeling a little disappointed. I was growing a little weary of all the theatrics happening on stage and I was starting to think maybe the songs I love the most are not the most popular, and they just wouldn't be included in a concert. Really, an hour and a half is a long time. How much longer could I expect the concert to last?

Well the answer to that is another 2 hours, for a total of 3 and a half. It was incredible. I don't know how Bruce did it--I was winded just dancing along that long--but he's the Boss, and the Boss didn't let me down. As soon as I had given up on the idea of ever hearing my favorite song performed live, he whipped out a harmonica and played the opening chord to "Thunder Road," and I pretty much lost it. I thought I was going to cry, but I was too happy. It was almost like a spiritual experience, complete with that sense of having your mind caught up in something else that you get when you meditate. Oh man it was just fantastic.

After "Thunder Road" was over I turned to my friend and said (breathlessly, rapturously) "Well we can leave now, I'm happy." But I'm so happy we didn't, because after that, all kinds of other awesome things happened. Like, Bruce called his son up on stage to play drums. First of all he was awesome, and second of all I couldn't get over how cool it must be to be 18 and rocking with your ultimate rockstar dad in front of thousands of people.

Then the guy from the Dropkick Murphys came out with his girlfriend, and PROPOSED! So then I cried. And he stayed on stage to play "So Young and In Love" with Bruce, and then ALL the Dropkicks came out and they played one of their songs with Bruce and the E Street Band. And then there were like 8 more finales, and each time I thought it was over and they'd play another huge and fantastic number. I started to worry that Bruce might have some kind of uncontrollable addiction to performance . . . lucky for the rest of the world.

The Boss, man. What a rockstar, and what an entertainer.

You Be You

Sometimes you get a little distracted. Even when your head's in the right place, and you know exactly what you want to and should be doing, it happens every once in a while that your thoughts are just occupying themselves in unhelpful ways. In fact I think maybe it's worse when you know what you really want to be worrying about, because then you have the additional stress of trying to quash the distracting thoughts, not succeeding, and wondering what the hell is wrong with you. It's a lot to deal with, and it can make you really uncomfortable and unhappy for weeks at a time if, like me, you are not yet so great at fixing it.

My problem with this has been solved for me! Really I'm left in the wake feeling a little bit like maybe this wasn't what I wanted, but then I've been so unsure of what I wanted for the past few weeks anyway, and the decision that I wound up not even having to make was the one I knew would make me happiest ultimately. So, here we go. Forward of course, once again problem-free. Once again my biggest concern is becoming who I want to be and living the life I love. It sucks that I got distracted from it, but every time that happens it makes it that much easier for me to hang on to it the next time. All is well.

Starting Off Right

More on last night's thinking later (I'm sure). Right now, nothing could bother me. My day got off to such a great start I just don't have the heart to ruin it with stress. Especially when I know stressing won't fix anything anyway.

I woke up later than I should have, for sure. But I also went to bed later than I should have (I've been having trouble sleeping lately, for some totally unknown reason). And there are some mornings when you just know that a little extra sleep would be the best thing you could do for yourself. Every once in a while the benefits of sleeping in far outweigh the consequences, and I think when you recognize one of those times you should go for it, guilt-free. So instead of waking up early and having breakfast and studying, I continued to revel in my beautiful dream. I'm not sure exactly what it was about, but it was comfortable and relaxing and definitely pleasant, and I kind of drifted out of it and eased into the morning naturally before my (fifth) alarm went off. So that was a great feeling, but I had this nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me that I had to go to class soon, and I have an exam tonight, and that meant less time to study. But I shook it off, telling myself that sleep was valuable too and I probably wouldn't have studied more than 3 hours today anyway (I mean let's be honest). And then I checked my e-mail, and my class was cancelled! Plus all this other feel-good stuff had happened: I got a very friendly e-mail back from someone I hardly know who really doesn't have to be nice to me at all, a close friend I haven't seen in a while had written me something that made me feel really good, and I realized I still remembered the stuff I learned on guitar last night! These really aren't big things at all, but just getting a positive boost right when I woke up made me feel so good about the day. Now I'm off to study so I can continue to feel that way after my Psych exam.

Thinking

Sometimes I feel like all I talk about with anyone is boys, girls, dating, relationships. And I want to know, WHY is it that this is always such a priority? I kind of think that, at least for me, it's just the way it is. Certainly I know, logically, that pretty much everything else in my life right now is more important than a romantic relationship or potential relationship. And yet since I was 15 and had my first serious boyfriend, the guy or guys in my life have always been the most difficult thing to put out of my mind. Is it a girl thing? Does it go along with a certain type of personality? Because I definitely know people who are doing way better at focusing on themselves than I am (mostly guy friends, but maybe it just seems that way to me because we also talk about other things). For me though, everything else in my life could be great--school, work, family, ALL the really important things--but if I'm having guy problems it feels like everything sucks.

I was actually doing really well for a while there. For years I would break up with a dude because I knew I needed time by myself to really gain independence, and then bounce right into another relationship. Somehow, magically, in the last year or so, I finally truly gained that independent feeling I was looking for. I knew I could be happy by myself and that I didn't want a relationship with just anyone. And then when I did meet people I felt compelled to really be with, they were mature relationships in which we both maintained a sense of self. I felt like I had finally grown up. I knew how to recognize when I would be happier by myself, and not to stay with someone just to have someone (ALWAYS a bad idea). I knew not to settle and when it felt like settling. And I knew that at 21 I don't need any compromises or anything tying me down, and the absolute only reason I should date anyone is if he adds something good to my life.

Then I realized, maybe I hadn't grown out of it at all. Maybe I just hadn't REALLY liked anyone in a long time. Suddenly I was thinking about one person all the time again. For a little while it was okay; it was exciting to be excited about someone, to get to know a person who I just liked everything about. Then it got distracting, and then it got to the point where it wasn't even happy anymore. Instead of just harmlessly, happily wanting to talk to him, I was wondering why he hadn't texted me yet that day. Which is negative, not positive and, as you probably all know, makes you feel pathetic. But sometimes it just gets in your head and even though you don't WANT to be pathetic and you're pretty sure that you're not actually a pathetic person, there you are checking your phone to see if maybe you just didn't hear it ring. And you're just disgusted with yourself for participating in that kind of ridiculous behavior.

And now I'm thinking: I have to take a stand and refuse to play these games that are in my head. I don't have the time or the energy for this crap and frankly it isn't any fun. And I'm 21 years old, I would prefer to have nothing but fun at this point in my life. Which I was, for a couple of months there. I've got to figure out how to get that back.

I'm Back!

It's been a long time since I've felt as fun or as hot as I do right now and I am totally gonna make a huge deal of it. I've had a lot of fun this year but nothing like last year. My junior year was crazy; I was such a huge partier and I had so much fun. This year I've sort of had this feeling that I grew out of it or maybe that I lost it (I have a whole theory that when I cut my long hair off all my fun power went with it, like a college-girl version of Samson). And it's my sister's freshman year at college and she has been having so much (too much) fun, and it had been making me feel a little like I let that part of myself go too soon and too easily. Well, it's back! My hair is finally getting long again and at least tonight I'm wearing my old attitude too. I'm all dressed up and going out with one of my best girlfriends and I can't wait to rock this town.

Worries

I'm usually pretty positive but I've been up all night unable to fall asleep and I just keep THINKING about things and I just keep getting more and more stressed out. And of course it's all stuff that I can't do anything about right now and stressing only makes it harder to sleep, so now I've got myself completely distraught and have no idea how to fix it (I even tried taking medicine that usually knocks me right out, to no avail) and it's not like I can call my mom and cry to her at 4 o'clock in the morning so here I am.

I'm just so worried! All my life thus far I've always kind of felt like everything will be okay, it just will, it just has to. And now that I'm really approaching the real world, I just don't see how things will EVER be okay. I can't imagine that I will ever have enough money to do anything more than simply subsist. Certainly I don't know how I can ever have anything that I want and don't actually need. I imagine myself after graduation lonely and miserable because after paying rent I can't afford to go out with my friends, can't even afford to eat very much, and can't go home for Christmas because I can't get time off from work and my car has broken down so I have no way of getting there. I just wish there was something I could DO now instead of playing these pointless head games with myself.

Go Me!

I am so proud of myself right now; I had SUCH a great day! Not to toot my own horn too much, but sometimes getting stuff done is such a struggle. Plus, we just discussed in my Organizational Psych class how important it is to take credit for your successes. According to the research, men typically attribute their achievements to their intrinsic, personal characteristics, while women are less likely to give themselves credit for things they've accomplished. Additionally, men tend to blame extrinsic factors beyond their control for their failures, while women are far more likely to feel responsible for things that go wrong. Obviously people who really believe they deserve credit for their success (and I'm talking believing it inside your head, not bragging to everyone else) would be generally happier, but it turns out that they actually are less stressed, more engaged in their work, and more satisfied by their work. I already feel pretty good right now about my accomplishments today, but in an effort to maintain a stress-free happiness I'm gonna go ahead and revel in it.

It's just that I got so much DONE! Usually I make grand plans for my to-do list but sort of know in the back of my head that most of it won't happen (setting myself up for failure). It starts when I wake up--I have a really tough time getting out of bed before I absolutely have to, no matter how much sleep I got, and that leads to my wasting a frustrating amount of time on days when I don't have class until 1:30. The problem is that there's just so much involved in getting ready to go somewhere that I just don't go. So today, instead, I woke up early, but then I took my time allowing myself to get a slow start. I know every day that I'm eventually going to spend a lot of time reading my e-mail and checking all the sites I read, so I just got that out of the way first. It was fun and not challenging at all; a good way to ease into the day. And then I practiced bass AND guitar, and I didn't even have to brush my teeth or get dressed! I saved leaving my room for when I actually had to be somewhere, and I still managed to get stuff done and feel like I was being productive.

Then, and I thought this was really clever, I wore my sweats TO CLASS. Smart, right? That way I could go straight to the sports center and work out without going back to my room and risking the temptation of the internet or a nap. It was pouring and I got soaking wet and almost decided it was too gross to do anything, and then I thought well I need a shower anyway so I might as well go work out. I ran three miles and I was so proud of myself for actually going that I did it in my best time ever (which I won't share cuz it's embarrassing, but still good for me). So I felt totally awesome, and then I went and worked on my project (due tomorrow) for a little while before dinner because I knew later there would probably be a bunch of noisy annoying girls in the lab. After that I had a built-in break because there was a class in the lab, and since I got stuff done earlier I didn't feel guilty at all about doing nothing during that time. But after the class got out I went right back over and I got my project done at an uncharacteristically early hour (it's not even midnight!) and I just feel SO SO good about my day that I want to keep going. But I won't, I'll go to sleep soon--and that way I can do the same thing again tomorrow. I usually try to avoid emoticons but for real :D

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