Thinking

Sometimes I feel like all I talk about with anyone is boys, girls, dating, relationships. And I want to know, WHY is it that this is always such a priority? I kind of think that, at least for me, it's just the way it is. Certainly I know, logically, that pretty much everything else in my life right now is more important than a romantic relationship or potential relationship. And yet since I was 15 and had my first serious boyfriend, the guy or guys in my life have always been the most difficult thing to put out of my mind. Is it a girl thing? Does it go along with a certain type of personality? Because I definitely know people who are doing way better at focusing on themselves than I am (mostly guy friends, but maybe it just seems that way to me because we also talk about other things). For me though, everything else in my life could be great--school, work, family, ALL the really important things--but if I'm having guy problems it feels like everything sucks.

I was actually doing really well for a while there. For years I would break up with a dude because I knew I needed time by myself to really gain independence, and then bounce right into another relationship. Somehow, magically, in the last year or so, I finally truly gained that independent feeling I was looking for. I knew I could be happy by myself and that I didn't want a relationship with just anyone. And then when I did meet people I felt compelled to really be with, they were mature relationships in which we both maintained a sense of self. I felt like I had finally grown up. I knew how to recognize when I would be happier by myself, and not to stay with someone just to have someone (ALWAYS a bad idea). I knew not to settle and when it felt like settling. And I knew that at 21 I don't need any compromises or anything tying me down, and the absolute only reason I should date anyone is if he adds something good to my life.

Then I realized, maybe I hadn't grown out of it at all. Maybe I just hadn't REALLY liked anyone in a long time. Suddenly I was thinking about one person all the time again. For a little while it was okay; it was exciting to be excited about someone, to get to know a person who I just liked everything about. Then it got distracting, and then it got to the point where it wasn't even happy anymore. Instead of just harmlessly, happily wanting to talk to him, I was wondering why he hadn't texted me yet that day. Which is negative, not positive and, as you probably all know, makes you feel pathetic. But sometimes it just gets in your head and even though you don't WANT to be pathetic and you're pretty sure that you're not actually a pathetic person, there you are checking your phone to see if maybe you just didn't hear it ring. And you're just disgusted with yourself for participating in that kind of ridiculous behavior.

And now I'm thinking: I have to take a stand and refuse to play these games that are in my head. I don't have the time or the energy for this crap and frankly it isn't any fun. And I'm 21 years old, I would prefer to have nothing but fun at this point in my life. Which I was, for a couple of months there. I've got to figure out how to get that back.